"Honestly Speaking"
When my good husband and I were rearing our children, we understood that a lot of grace, patience, and tolerance were required for certain aspects of the entire parenting process. Indeed, the occasional glass tumble and the ensuing overflow of milk or juice was no cause for alarm at our table. Just as long as a few of us jumped into action for the necessary clean up detail and breakfast, lunch, or dinner would continue as normal. Mealtime was a lovely time because of the rules and guidelines we instilled in our very young children so long ago, and, even now, those standards enable us to look forward to lively conversation, the warmth and comfort of family, and an enjoyable dining experience every time we’re together. Other circumstances in the childrearing process often tested our spirituality as well as our creativity. The child who was, for example, a bit of a whiner compared to his cheerful siblings just required… ummm… a bit more encouragement to proceed on in a satisfactory direction. Realizing that each child was an individual with unique features and personalities, we knew we had to make some minor adjustments in our dealings with them. To summarize—some required only a look, while others necessitated action. However, there were some things we would not tolerate, the most fundamental of which was lying. Recently, I came across an article written by a child psychologist addressing the very matter of childhood lying. A mother had written to say she was having a terrible time with an eleven-year-old daughter who lied incessantly. The psychologist assured this mother that lying was a normal feature of everyday life for everyone. I thought to myself that I certainly hoped that wasn’t true because I happened across this article while flying back from a mid-winter getaway with my good husband, and the pilot had just spoken to all the passengers but a few moments ago, assuring us that we would land in New York about 20 minutes ahead of schedule because everything was going so smoothly. I certainly hoped he wasn’t lying! And my husband had just told me that our favorite son in law Josh, and all our girls would be picking us up at the airport. But, what if it was all a lie?! Not to worry, the psychologist went on to give several remedies for families that, well, basically, lie to each other all day long. The most creative one he came up with, in my opinion, was to create what he called, a “fibby bank”-with a nod to the “piggy bank,” the only difference being that if someone got caught telling a “fib” they would have to put 50 cents into the fibby bank. (I could really envision the average child or teen today being truly awakened and stirred by this…) Peradventure, I thought, with all the money the average “lying family” could save this way, they would be able to pay for the finest attorneys or lawyers one day when it comes time to bail their child out of jail for lying to the judge.
At any rate, when our children were quite young, their good father and I chose to do things quite differently—we opted to teach our children that it was wrong to lie, even when it came down to telling what some might call tiny, teeny ones. A lie was a lie in our home and there were consequences for being dishonest, not the least of which, and perhaps the one with most sting, that of temporarily losing your parents’ trust.
It is primary and elemental that a parent strives to the best of their ability to teach their child the importance of being truthful. As someone who is a parent, a teacher, and often just a casual listener and observer, I have learned that some parents almost position their child(ren) to be professional liars. I don’t mean to sound harsh, yet the harsh reality is that parents excuse and explain away so much wrong their children do it’s no wonder the kids become skilled at covering up and explaining away bad behavior. The bottom line is just this: a lie is a lie, and it is wrong to tell a lie—any kind of a lie. We did not excuse dishonesty in our home, lies were not called, “lu-lu’s, oopsies, whoppers or fibbies.” If someone in our family took the trouble to concoct a lie we took the trouble to get to the bottom of it. Sometimes this took—are you sitting down? HOURS. Yes, hours. But we got to be expert lie detectors in the interim. The suspect rubs his or her nose a lot, he may stammer or stutter and there’s no way on earth he can look you in the face. The guilty stare down at their feet and are usually very defensive. Initially you will hear buzzwords and phraseology such as,” You never believe me!” and “I can never do anything right—everyone hates me!”(The idea for the parent here is to remain perfectly still and silent during these tirades and to not so much as flinch in the face of such allegations and attributions—the phrases will run out within a matter of seconds and you can continue on your course of getting to the bottom of things.) And they blame anyone and everyone. The teacher was always the first to hang. You know teachers, after all, they get everything wrong and everyone in the whole school knows they just can’t stand your kids. It’s her or his fault. The teacher is out to get your kids! As silly as some of these things may sound, the awful truth is that parents will usually—almost always—take their child’s word over anyone else’s. They just don’t seem to think for one minute that their child would ever be dishonest to their faces and so they get all irate, make rash judgments, say things they shouldn’t say about someone who is generally, totally innocent and let their little fabricator entirely off the hook! Would you think for a moment that the entire scenario has developed within the child a deeper sense of respect for their parent? NO! They are congratulating themselves for pulling the wool over their parents’ eyes and laughing all the way to bed that night.
Surely you must be aware of the sad condition our country is in today. But why are we in such a sad state of affairs? One big reason is that America is losing its once prized sense of decency and its values. Values such as integrity, moral absolutes, and a deep love and respect for the truth. In order for our dear country to continue to be our great country we must have absolutes—definitive standards of right and wrong. Of good and evil. Of profitable and dysfunctional. We as Christian people claim to stand on the Word of God for all we do and practice—isn’t it time we taught our children by our example and practice that we love the God of that book and love them enough to nurture them in the way they should go? Parenting is not for the faint hearted—especially in our day and age; yet, it is quite rewarding when done with compassion, conviction, correction and consistency.
Just some words to mull around as February desperately tries to melt its way to spring.
